Ikigai Leadership Podcast: Dhru and VeeFriends Talk About Gary Vee and Twelve and a Half

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:00:02] Hey, everybody. This is Dr. Dhru Bee, and I’m here to welcome you to my podcast, Ikigai Leadership. We’re going to be talking to leaders in all different industries from all different backgrounds and demographics from all over the world. And we’ll be discussing topics like leadership development, culture, DEI, content creation and marketing, and all things business and entrepreneurship. All right. What’s up, everybody? How’s it going? Thank you guys for joining us. Those of you who are live, thank you for joining live and everybody who’s watching after the fact. We really appreciate it. I’m excited to have this conversation with Ben, Damon, and Brittany. I’m gonna give you guys a chance to introduce yourselves, but we’re going to be talking about this book right here, 12.5 by the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Mr. Gary Vaynerchuk. So I’m gonna go in order of my screen or on the screen here. So I’m going to go left of me right now. Ben, do you want to go ahead, introduce yourself?

Ben Harbuck: [00:00:52] Sure. I’m really happy to be here. My name is Ben. I go by iBenKind on most social medias, and essentially I’m a tiny business starter. I don’t know how to say it any different. 2011, I started a local coffee shop that my family still owns. In 2014, I started a tattoo shop with no machines. In 2019, I started a software development company. Prior to that, a couple of my brothers, we all pitched in and bought a furniture consignment shop that our family still owns. So yeah, tiny businesses all around. And as far as my first Gary V experience, I want to say it was like Instagram 15 years ago. That’s like my first recollection.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:01:42] Taking it back. That’s awesome, man. Do you remember the first post you saw of his?

Ben Harbuck: [00:01:47] It was probably wasn’t too long prior to… well, no, it was… I really don’t. The first piece of content that really hit me like a brick, though, was the lady on the street in New York, ‘You’re going to die’, you know. For me, it was a response that I’ve talked about a lot. There’s really nothing that bad. A lot of people, again, I’m not going to try to make this about myself, but like, I have a black spot in the middle of my palm and I read a lot of historical books growing up, and Treasure Island was one of my favorites. And pirates get a black spot when They’re going to die. So I’m in my early 20s, I have a beautiful wife, I have two beautiful kids, I have a great job, I’m making a lot of money, and I’m depressed. And I couldn’t figure out why. And this was before therapy became a thing. And I remember carrying around this rock in my palm and walking around with it for months and months. And then I realized, you know, in conversation that essentially I was looking at a black spot like pirates get from the story. I love stories. I’m very passionate about stories. And so I went and got this tattoo and I actually had to talk my tattoo artist into it because I didn’t have any other tattoos at the time. And he didn’t want to ruin my life by giving me a tattoo on my hand. So I had to go back six months in a row before he would do it. I still remember the morning after I woke up and I felt better. And it was just like Gary’s advice of ‘You’re going to die’. It’s like, look, I was marked and I woke up anyway. There’s really nothing I can do now but work hard. I was supposed to die, I didn’t die. And that was just my way of working through the Depression. And so when Gary said that, it was just like, Oh, wow, that’s my story. So yeah, that was probably the first piece that really stood out to me.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:03:48] That’s awesome. I love that story, dude. I love stories too. So that’s phenomenal. All right, Damon.

Damon Johnson: [00:03:53] I’m Damon Johnson with DJ Realty or DJ Realty Solutions, however you want to cut it off. I was a former school teacher, got into mortgages, got my real estate license while I was doing mortgages, probably, oh, goodness, my first Gary experience… Oh, you know what? When I got into real estate, the people from the mortgage company were using me for real estate. I got really busy, really fast. One of my coworkers was like, My brother wants to be your assistant. And I was like, What? So got him. He was like 19 at the time and we were butting heads. I was like, This boy is too young. He’s getting on my nerves. And he was like, Damon, you got the goods, you just are kind of mean. I was like, What? So he showed me a Gary video and guess which one it was, that ‘You’re going to die’. And I looked and I was like, Fuck, who the fuck is this? And so I was like, All right, let me watch another one. So the one that really did it for me, I’ve always worked at big companies, so the school was really large I worked at, so a lot of layers, a lot of bosses, a lot of whatever. And so he was outside, this one, he did more stuff outside back, this is way before DRock, he was outside and this guy was like, you could tell he owned a big business.

Damon Johnson: [00:05:21] He was like one of my employees, you know, want to work hard. And he was like, Well, why the fuck are they working harder than you? And I was like, Oh, my God. I stood up at my desk with my headphones on and I was like, I quit. And everybody was like, Damon, you can’t quit off one video. I was like, you know, you know when you find your person. I knew that that was my tribe. They said, When you find your tribe, you’ll know. I knew. When I say I went feet first, head first, I devoured. I started from number one where he was like a number 80 at that point, I went frontwards, backwards, whatever. It’s just undescribable. I’ve never wanted to walk off of a job so bad and it wasn’t anything that they were doing. I knew what to say. It was, It’s not you, it’s me. I really knew. So I’ve been worshiping at the Church of Gary ever since. Got lucky right after that and met him for the first time. The tears, my God, the tears. So it just has been, they say never meet your heroes, and I was really nervous, but I think I cried the whole way home because I knew. I was like, Oh my God, he’s not an asshole.

Damon Johnson: [00:06:39] I was just so excited. And it just has been… people always ask me, you know, why him, and you’re so successful, and I was like, Gary and that team have done so much of showing me what to do. It’s like a hands-on business school that you don’t have to pay for. It’s people like, Well, Damon, why do you buy everything? And he could come out with whatever, I want 20 of them, like here, just whatever. I’m on this show because of him, so it’s not like I could never pay them back what they’ve done for me. So I just try to be nice to everybody now because I think I really was kind of mean. But yeah, so I’m here and thank you for having me. The group that you have here are just exceptional and yeah, just I’m just here, I’m just happy to be here and go. But yeah, that was, that was the content that did it for me, really, those two. But when he said, Why are they working harder than you, I was like, My God, he’s talking about my manager. I quit. So yeah, that’s it. I’m here and we’re going to dissect this book and let’s go.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:07:52] Love it. Thanks, Damon. Appreciate it. All right, Brittany.

Brittany Maas: [00:07:57] Hello. Thank you very much for having me join in. Very excited about this. A little bit about me. I am originally from Buffalo, New York. Live out in Nevada on the West Coast. I would say I’m mostly in business formation and maintenance and in my day work and then I have projects that I’m working on in the background pretty much on every platform. My accounts are going to be BMaas287. Spell the last name right, though. But I would say as far as getting introduced to Gary was an interesting experience for me since I’m from New York State and I never really heard his name or knew he existed until 2018. And it was January of 2018 and that was actually about a month before I took the steps to leave being a Jehovah’s Witness and my past and stuff like that. So to be honest, being introduced to Gary in general, just the words that he has to say, for me, what interested me most was how on par they are and were with things that I’d been taught you could only really find through religion. And something about that resonated with me staying committed to like staying out, out. I would say, you know, a lot of people leaving organizations like that struggle with the conflict of the situation with family and stuff and end up either, you know, having to fight their way to stay out or end up going back one way or the other.

Brittany Maas: [00:09:47] And, you know, I did a community project this year where the care package was for somebody that’s leaving the same situation. And what impacted me the most was also seeing the community and recognizing that there’s other communities out there. And so kind of a, you know, adding to that list of things and making it easier to remain out, I would say Gary V has been a big part of it, as well as the Vayner Nation in general, and just recognizing that I can find brothers and sisters. It sucks, you know, that I have all these family and friends that don’t really talk to much or engage with at all, you know? But realistically, you know, there are other people out there and we can have these conversations and grow. And you don’t know what 10, 20 years will bring. So I’m optimistic that as time goes on, we will all figure out a way forward and it’ll be all right. And I think, again, that’s that positivity about Gary and even 12.5 that stuck out to me. And I would say out of the books that I’ve read of Gary so far, it’s by far my favorite. And I don’t know if even the new ones coming out will surpass it for my taste just because to me, the emotional aspect of business is really integral to actually stay in it long term. So yeah, that’s, that’s my experience with Gary. And a little bit about me.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:11:20] I agree with what Damon said, I’ve got a great group of people here. I’m excited to talk to all of you guys about it. Those of you who don’t know me, I’m Dhru, business executive coach, and I also own a social media company in digital marketing, and I teach coaching as well. My first experience with Gary was actually, it’s funny because Ben and Damon have the same video that they’ve watched together the first time. Brittany was 2018, for me was also 2018 because I’d never heard of Gary Vaynerchuk. I had no idea the name existed, no idea he existed. My mentor, actually, from Georgetown and coaching school was like a big follower of Gary was like, Hey, this guy is somebody you got to watch his videos and check him out. And I think it’s going to be really helpful for you as you’re trying to start your own business and do your own thing. Because I had my own business before and I was talking about starting a new business for my executive coaching, because before I was doing networking coaching, life coaching type thing, dating coaching, it wasn’t really what I wanted to make a whole new brand. And so he was like, As you’re building your new business, watch this guy.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:12:18] He’s different, right? He’s not going to be like everybody else out there. And I was like, All right, well, that’s what everybody says, right? And the first video I remember seeing of his, I can’t remember what it’s called, but it was where he was basically, like, he’s like, I don’t give a fuck, I’ll give you every single thing that I do, and I’m not worried that anyone’s going to steal my clients because guess what? 99% of you are not going to do it. I don’t remember what video it was, but that was like, Whoa, wait, that’s fucking true, right? Like, because I’m sitting here in my head like, Oh, I can’t give away my trade secrets. I can’t give away this and that and whatever because I’m like, I can’t give away everything in the first session with a client or prospective client because then they’re just going to go with somebody else or go and do it themselves. And then when he said that, I was like, No, he’s fucking right. Like 95% of people are not going to do it. And the 5% who do do it are not your clients anyway. And I was like, Yeah, this is the guy.

Brittany Maas: [00:13:07] They might start and then come back to you. And then you asked for more because that’s what we did in the auto world of, you know, try to fix it yourself. Go ahead.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:13:16] 100%. And this happened so many times, right? So that was my first experience with Gary. And ever since then, it hasn’t he hasn’t really disappointed, honestly. He was the reason I got into NFTs and crypto, to be honest with you. I had no desire to be in that stuff. I mean, I had an interest, I was like kind of laterally hearing about it from friends and whatever, but I never really got into it until he started doing videos talking about the value of NFTs and how to get into crypto and Metamask, I’d never heard of Metamask before him, so definitely changed my life and obviously got Vcon together and we all met, which is phenomenal. So thank you, either way, if you watch or not, Gary, for getting us together at the very least, and for this. So nice segue into the book concept. I’ll ask this question for you guys and I’ll give my answer. But what was the most impactful part of the book or parts of the book for you guys? And we can just do popcorn so, you know, who wants to go first?

Damon Johnson: [00:14:04] The homework for me, I think the assignments because I’m an ex-school teacher. So once a teacher, always a teacher. I think the questions made me question myself. And you know how you tell yourself that you have this dreamy version of you and you’re like, wait a minute. So I got to examine how I interact with everybody else. And you’re like, Wait, like what? So for me, throughout the whole book, just doing the work, it was like free therapy because you really have to cut the TV off, cut the phone off. Don’t believe your own hype, I don’t believe my own press. I try not to because, yeah. But for me, I think the best part of the book was the work. And it wasn’t work, it was like, Oh, I got to be honest with myself. Some days I don’t want to be DJ Realty. Some days I’m like, Oh good. Because for me, I have to be on when I’m home and when I’m at an event I have to be on. And this may sound, it’s just us for our family, I don’t know if I asked for the notoriety part of it.

Damon Johnson: [00:15:25] I’m like, Oh no, you think I’m a thing too? Oh, I wanted my client to be a thing. So it kind of, it made me do homework on my own character and my own brand of… How dare you? You know what I mean? It made me question like, How dare you not really want this? You signed up for this. So here we are. And it also, the homework made me take some time for myself so that way I can recharge my battery when I don’t want to be DJ Realty. Sometimes days I want to just be Damon and watch TV and eat popcorn and don’t go out and go. I had a networking event before I left my office, going to a networking event. On the first one, I was like, Oh God, because I get invited to a lot of stuff. So I’m learning through the book, still learning to have a balance. And I don’t mean a life, a work-life balance, I mean just a balance of, okay, I had enough today, whatever that enough means for me.

Brittany Maas: [00:16:32] Then it’s okay. That we’ve had enough and to walk away as needed because that’s just part of life and genuineness and us being who we are and what we need.

Ben Harbuck: [00:16:44] I’m going to follow that up, though, Brittany, That’s, you hit the nail on the head. Damon, I haven’t done the homework, I haven’t done the homework in the book. Like, I’m just going to be real with you. The book itself kind of hit me too hard. And also I still have a little bit of an insecurity about school. I was homeschooled. Like we read everything. When I say like there’s a local library here that reaches 35,000 people and I read every book in it, like I mean it. When I graduated high school, I could read and write in Greek and Aramaic, the languages underneath the King James version of the Gospels–

Brittany Maas: [00:17:27] The Bible.

Ben Harbuck: [00:17:28] — which Brittany knows something about.

Brittany Maas: [00:17:31] I know that Greek Septuagint.

Ben Harbuck: [00:17:33] But I went to college and I could not take a test to save my life. I mean, I’m talking about like, 0 for 5, like out of five classes I took, I got a zero on four of them. It wasn’t that I couldn’t write, it wasn’t that I didn’t know the material, It’s just that I froze up when the test came. So when I got to that part of the book, I freaked out. But thankfully, the book had already kind of like gotten in my brain and started messing with me because like, for me, it’s pretty obvious from just visually, like I’m from fingernails to toenails to beard, I’m tattooed. And I have a little bit of a chip on my shoulder. It’s created this person who works really hard, creates businesses, and provides for a lot of people in the community. And then I open up this book and the first chapter is gratitude. And I’m like, No, son, fuck you, like, we ain’t going that way. Like, you know what I’m saying? Like, I love the kindness and I love the empathy and I love understanding the other person, but gratitude? No, nobody’s ever given me anything, man. I’ve had to work for everything. I’ve been, from day one, from 15 years old, you know, since before I could drive, 4 a.m. to midnight working. That’s all I know. And so Gary starts his book out with gratitude, and I’m like, All right, fine. I guess we’re gonna do this. You know, maybe my therapist is right. Maybe there are things I can be grateful for.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:19:17] Yeah. No, I feel you, Ben. I mean, for me, like, I’m kind of in between you guys, right? In terms of what hit me because, yes, 100%. The book itself before the exercises, absolutely phenomenal. And actually, the first time I listened to it was actually on the plane leaving VCon. I do audible. I never get time to sit down and if I liked the book, I’ll buy the book, which is why I have the copy now, because I’m going to go through it again. I’ve listened to it twice on Audible. I’m going to go through it and highlight and like take out stuff that I want to do and actually do the exercises because I’m sitting there on the plane and actually, I couldn’t get Jesse Itzler’s napkin thing out of my head. That’s what got stuck in my head. When I was listening to the exercises, I was like, I was like, Oh, I really want to write down this napkin thing because I couldn’t get that, I was distracted. And but, you know, but no, it was really impactful. I mean, like especially, like you said, the part about gratitude. And I said this in my video, my VCon, like after VCon video, was like he talks about gratitude and empathy.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:20:11] And every time I hear the word gratitude, even when I say the word gratitude, I have like an internal eye roll, right? It’s like, fuck gratitude sometimes, right? I just want to, I just, I’m just, you know, but at the same time, it’s like, no, there needs to be a place for gratitude. At least I’m starting to realize that for myself, where it’s like it’s separating myself from that kind of that limitation, that belief of like, I have to do everything on my own because, yeah, we can do everything on our own. And we, you know, you have, I’ve done, I’d say 90% of stuff on my own. I do have to thank my parents for, you know, that 10% that changed everything, right? But other than that, I mean, I worked my ass off to get to where I am right now, and I’m not even where I want to be yet. Right? And at the same time, if I don’t express that gratitude, I’m limiting myself in some ways. Right? And so that was what really hit me with the book was gratitude.

Damon Johnson: [00:21:01] Well Gary said, You could have been a tree.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:21:05] Yeah, no, that’s true. 100%, man.

Ben Harbuck: [00:21:08] It’s strange, though, because, like, I don’t consider myself an ungrateful person. And I think a lot, I still talk to my parents every week. My dad last week dropped by and brought me Rick Rubin’s book, The Creative Act: A Way of Being. I have it right here on my desk. My mom will drop by with food for everyone in the tattoo shop, even though that’s not her lifestyle and not her thing. But I think when you read through the book, one of the things that dawned on me was, this is so much like working out. Another thing that I’m not great at, like, you know, but like, everyone starts out with like, they can do, they can do eight push-ups. And that’s it, they can’t do any more. And you think like someone will say to you, I want to get you to where you can do 100 push-ups. And you’re like, That’s impossible. So part of reading this book, it hit me like, so gratefulness, gratitude, kindness, empathy, candor, these things, they’re not these magical religious things that came from God that I’m never going to do correctly. And again, I’m not attacking. They can come from God. They can come from the Mother Earth. They can come from wherever you think. But like Britney said, Gary’s kind of saying like, Hey, guys, whatever your beliefs are, whatever your background is, these are just qualities that human beings have. And if you want to work out more, like if you want to run every day, you can become a stronger runner.

Ben Harbuck: [00:22:42] If you want to show, if you will wake up and write down three things you’re grateful for, your gratitude is going to get stronger and I had never really put those two together. And so now I’m able to go, Okay, well, I have 11 days waking up and writing three things I’m grateful for down on a piece of paper before I get in my car to drive to work. And you know what’s weird is now I’m at like a hundred days. I haven’t had one road rage issue since I started doing that. Why? Because why can’t I just take my foot off the gas for a second? Like, why do I have to race that Corvette? Why do I care that he, you know what I mean? Like it just, and so it’s like I tell my crew at the tattoo shop every day, like, it’s like emotional working out. Like, it really is like looking at it, like if you can show whichever of the 12 or Gary’s half is your struggle, if you can just put together a consecutive I did this emotional workout every day, every night, every morning, and now you’ve got a string of it, all of a sudden you go, Wow, I haven’t had an issue with that thing. And you, it was an indirect success. I’ll stop.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:24:02] No, no. It’s 100% right, though. I mean, you’re, it’s a mental and emotional exercise, right? Because whatever you’re trained to notice is what you’re going to notice more of. Right? And so if you’re trained to notice all the negative things out there, good.

Damon Johnson: [00:24:15] I think you have to be ready. Because sometimes we aren’t ready for, I shouldn’t say not so much the truth, sometimes we aren’t ready to even deal with some stuff. Or we think we’ve gotten over, like my parents are both deceased and I don’t use it as a crutch. But I know some days I don’t feel like being fucking bothered and I’m like, Mhm. So I know I have to do my exercises that day or my mantra that day or have my AirPods in. So sometimes, I think recognizing that this isn’t the day for that or it is the day for that. Like I can have gratitude to have parents who worshiped the ground I walked on. Like whatever I wanted, I got. I was super spoiled. There was nothing that I grew up without. No trip, no toy, no video game, no dirt bike, no class, no nothing that I didn’t have. So people are always like, Well, why are you always so happy and pleasant? For me, I had the best childhood out of everybody that I grew up with as far as being loved on. Oh my God. I was like, Jesus, this is amazing. But then to see the other coin, when I was teaching kids, I would be like, Oh, no, you didn’t have the parents. Not even, not even materialistically. I would be like, Oh, no, your mama is not hugging on you every day. I was like, Oh boy. So I’m always grateful to be like, I wouldn’t be where I am, you know, financially, they paid for my college, my first apartment, first new car, all that stuff.

Damon Johnson: [00:26:11] I would not be here if it wasn’t for them. So I’m always grateful. But if you aren’t in a place to do the work, you got to close that book some days because some days I’m not, if I’m into with a client or a deal is going sideways, it’s very easy to do the work out of any chapter when you’ve had a great day. It’s a different story when you wake up to $1,000 in invoices in your account, you’re like, Oh, Jesus. Um, it’s different when it’s terrible. Like Dhru and I were going to Chicago for the car show. I have been before, and Gary and DRock didn’t show up, and I was like, All right, whatever, I’m still there. This time, I was like, I had a couple of huge deals fall apart. I was like, if I go, I have to use my own money. And I’m like, I don’t know about all that. So I made the decision not to go. And the funny thing, Dhru, was like, me too, Damon, I don’t want to use my own money so I’m not going, still, I’m not. But it hit me different. It hit me different. The old me would have been pissed and like, I’m just going to charge it or I’m gonna just take some money out of this account and put it in this account. The new me, who I’m still learning him, this new me, I was like, It’s okay because I’m the type that when I go and do something, I want to have a nice experience. I don’t want to go and be like, Shit, I spent my last thousand dollars on this trip and when I get home I got to make this money right back.

Damon Johnson: [00:27:56] So I knew I didn’t want to go like that because it just throws, it throws my timing off. I’m a Libra, I believe in astrology, that’s my thing. It throws my balance off. And so I was like, I want to go in a good headspace. So this new me was like, okay, great. Just show your old card video while it’s going on, be active on social. But I’m in a good place for that. And if the old me were to show up, I would just be like, I’m not doing social this whole weekend. I’m going to just go into the real world and do whatever. So like you said, Ben, sometimes you have to be ready to do the work and I love that you recognize that you aren’t good at tests. I wish more of my kids would be like, I don’t want to do this. I will tell them, I will tell them, Do you want me to read it to you? Do you want to listen? Because that’s, and I don’t want to talk too much, that’s what’s wrong with our society. People think you can only learn and get it one way. You can, there’s a million ways to teach things and to show people stuff. But as a society, we are just book, paper. You better, school is just memorization. That’s all it is. You memorize everything. You get at least a B plus.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:29:26] Because they’re lazy.

Damon Johnson: [00:29:26] It’s a lot of memorization. I don’t know what school is now, but, yeah, recognizing that, like, my math stinks. Oh, God, I can’t do math. Recognizing that in you is 80% of the battle, so don’t be upset that you didn’t do the work.

Ben Harbuck: [00:29:45] I appreciate, no, I appreciate that. It took me a long time to work through it. But Brittany, what was your, what was your takeaway from these two dudebros talking for the last 20 minutes?

Brittany Maas: [00:29:58] I mean, I’m grateful to listen. You know, it’s funny, for me, I started the book out with accountability. For me, I was at a point where I knew I needed to practice more accountability. I didn’t start the book out like, I got it, somebody gifted it to me. And then I didn’t start, I like I think I started it and then I just stopped. But I think for very similar reasons to you guys too, is that this is a meaty book. If you’re not ready for it, you may not necessarily fully understand. And I think that’s something special about this book is that it’s timeless. Since it’s based on core qualities, like you guys were saying, these are just human qualities. I was taught that there’s core principle qualities that essentially when you break it down, that’s why you can find that commonality. And so all of what he discusses, gratitude, I mean, yeah, I’ve had to fight to get to where I am. You know, for me, though, I know for a fact that there’s a reason why I survived everything that I did. Some of the situations that I saw, lived through, worked through, whatever, without getting into gory details, my life was on the line multiple times in order to actually recover from my past.

Brittany Maas: [00:31:27] And so to me, gratitude is something that I’ve reached this point where I just, I live my fucking life because I survived. And it actually, I find that I actually have less empathy for people who are like giving up and spouting giving up. And I’m learning to practice more empathy with that again, where I’m just like, to me, like, shit gets real and you won’t, we only have two choices. Like we have two choices in life, survive or die. I’ve seen it and watched it and, you know, and everything. So my takeaway from listening to you guys about gratitude is just that, yeah, we have to get to that core spot where we appreciate being alive and that chapter, you know, it’s a meaty start to the book, but there’s a point to it being the first. Because if we’re grateful for just one little thing, a couple little things each day, you know, even in the mental health world, they found statistically, like time after time, people that practice just doing something simple like that actually are happier and feel better and recover from things like PTSD and other mental illnesses, other depression and stuff, quicker, stronger, better. You have a technique to rely on, you know, so it’s a very powerful quality.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:33:04] Absolutely. It’s a practice. You notice more of what you train yourself to notice, right? Like to what Ben was saying earlier, the brain, the heart, they’re both muscles. The more you use them, the more powerful they get. Right? If you train yourself to only notice a negative and only talk negatively about everything all the time, glass half full, glass half empty situation, right? You’re only going to notice the negative and then you’re going to be depressed and wonder why the hell you’re depressed, right? But if you sit there and notice like, Hey, yeah, it was a rough day. I had a long day. But on top of that, this happened that was good. This happened that was good. This didn’t happen that could have happened, but that not happening was a good thing. Right? And then you end your day on that note. Well, guess what? You’re going to get a better night’s sleep, the next day you’re kind of hitting reset and you’re going to jump into the next day feeling a lot more refreshed than you did the day before. Right? So yeah, I love the gratitude piece. And I think one thing that’s come up as I’m hearing each one of you guys talk about this stuff is, and this came up for me as I was reading the book, is that I’m actually good at most of these things for external people, for everyone else. But when I turn it, I don’t turn it inside. I don’t I don’t focus it back on myself.

Ben Harbuck: [00:34:07] A lot of people don’t know why, my handle here is IBenKind. Again, to your point, Dhru, I’ve been really mean to myself for a really long time. I have a really, really terrible internal dialogue. And it’s weird because I think what started the journey for me actually happened during Covid, when we could actually get back out again. And I met my dad and sat across from a picnic table, and again, the town I live in, 50, 60,000 people, was shut down. And it’s just me and him at this park. And I was telling him this story about an interaction I had with a with a police officer because I was painting a mural, I was trying not to go crazy during lockdown, so I started painting murals around town on buildings that didn’t belong to me. But they’re like really classic, like, really nice murals. Right? But I didn’t ask permission first, I just started, like, painting these, I’ll send you guys a picture. Like, I just started painting these really amazing, big, like, sunset murals, and the cops would roll up and be like, Hey, is that your building? And I’m like, No. And they’re like, Well, you know, it’s locked down.

Ben Harbuck: [00:35:25] You’re not supposed to be out. And I’m like, Well, I’m out. Like, I’ve got a mask here. Like, I’m just painting this guy’s building. And they’re like, Did you ask him? And I’m like, No, but it looks really dope, right? Like, why would he mind? And so I’m telling my dad this story and I go, I don’t understand. Like, I’m a really nice guy. And my dad starts laughing. And when he finishes laughing, he goes, Ben, no one would ever say you’re a nice guy, but you are really kind. And I went, like at first I was kind of mad, like I sat back, you know, I was kind of like, why is my old man calling me out? You know, like, that’s not. And then it hit me. So I went away from that conversation and I started thinking about it. And I was like, I’m really, I’m generally pretty gentle with other people. But when I get to the end of the night and it’s quiet and I’m by myself, it’s like this constant list of failures, things I could have done better, things I could have succeeded at. Like I left $200 on the table in that, you know, like it’s just this…

Ben Harbuck: [00:36:39] And so I actually got back on Twitter and I just kind of made the promise to myself that Twitter was going to be my public journal. And I changed my handle to IBenKind because I’m going to work on kindness. And I just posted, for the first like 2 or 3 years, I just posted like kindness always wins every morning. And then I posted kindness is the foundation every night. And then I posted kindness brings perspective. Literally, people are sitting here like, Hey, man, stop preaching at us. Why are you posting this? I’m like, This actually isn’t for you. It’s for me. It’s so when I get on my phone, I look at it and I go, Oh, yeah, that’s a good note, Ben. Way to go. Kindness does always win, you know, like, I just started doing it and here I am talking to you guys, you know, my second Vcon. And so it’s, but yeah, Dhru, you’re exactly right. We’re trained, I think, we’re taught, how about that? That’s a better phrase. We’re taught to be really nice to other people. We’re not really taught to be decent to ourselves.

Brittany Maas: [00:37:55] For me, I don’t remember what age I started having self-esteem and inner self-talk issues. I can say it was very young. It’s been a long struggle to learn how to overcome that because I mean, when I say as long as I can remember, I’m talking like childhood. I remember in childhood thinking I was ugly. And no one ever told me that. My mom and dad tried to instill self-love in me and self-esteem and caring for myself. You know, unfortunately, though, people can’t reach into your brains and tell you you love yourself. You know, be nice to yourself. What I would say, a turning point for me was learning about CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, and recognizing that our brains are computers. You know, like Deepak Chopra was talking about at VCon. I know a lot of people, I think he was looking at the audience like not all of you are understanding this and that’s okay, that doesn’t matter because you’re all connected anyway. So it’s pretty much what I was like, that’s awesome. You know, but he was describing that our brains are computers where we have supercomputers. And so if we think about putting prompts into AI, for example, you know, when we think the words I hate myself or I’m an idiot, that is a prompt, you know? And that’s also why his meditation broke all the way down to I Am, because that is such a powerful statement.

Brittany Maas: [00:39:37] And even when we’re speaking it, when just, our words have power whether they’re coming out of our mouths or in our brains, and once we realize that we can actually engage with our brains and take control through things like CBT, it can be pretty powerful. And I would say I haven’t had, like I still deal with calling myself stupid or idiot and, you know, jokes here and there and stuff, whatever. But for the most part, that constant cyclical or like going to bed at night and just thinking of all the failures, that hasn’t happened to me in probably a good 2 to 4 years overall. I do have to keep an eye on it because for me it’s something that I don’t know. It stems from childhood, but it’s that exercise just like the book and, you know, that musing over it and not necessarily, I don’t necessarily think we should rush through reading it. If people want to read it in a day, read it in a day. You know, I’m the type where I haven’t even technically finished reading it. I listen to the audio recording to finish it up, but it’s okay if it takes a while to go through it because there’s so many different facets of the qualities.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:40:57] Thanks so much for listening. We will continue this conversation in our next episode. So tune in if you want to hear the rest of this. Thank you.

Dr. Dhru Bee: [00:41:07] Thank you all so much for listening to the Ikigai Leadership podcast today. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a five-star review with comments to let me know what you thought. It really helps me keep on delivering valuable and relevant content to you all, and if you want to connect with me directly, please feel free to do so on my socials. That’s at @DhruBee on Twitter, at @DhruvaBee on Instagram and LinkedIn, it’s linkedin.com/in/dhrubee. Thank you all so much. Take care. Stay safe.