If you’ve been involved in any coaching conversations or done any self-development work, you may have heard of the concept of “stories” and how they can affect your ability to succeed. The issue is that we’re wired to assign meaning to situations and events that occur as a form of making sense of our surroundings in order to keep us safe. Typically, it looks like this:
The Power of Story
Notice that the story is significantly larger than the actual event that the story is about. This is clearly not drawn to scale, or truth be told, the disparity would be even more significant. Now this, like almost everything, is not inherently bad. It helps us survive in high-stress situations and is typically referred to as “intuition” or “analysis,” or some combination of those things. The problem arises when it becomes overactive and is not kept in check. Take the following example:
It becomes much clearer how this can easily get out of hand, off topic, and take you on tangents that do anything but help the situation. They just fuel the insecurities and negativity that we can tend towards, and that can create a downward spiral for us.
In looking at trends in these stories, here are 3 that you may be telling yourself that are absolutely holding you back.
Being a Victim
A common story that people often fall into is the idea of making themselves feel like a victim. It’s easy to fall into this line of thinking, particularly when so many people in today’s world indulge in it. The fact of the matter is that it’s disempowering, frustrating, and ultimately destructive. You might have heard friends or family saying things like “Why me?” or “This always happens to me” or the ever-famous “FML.” Now while the latter can be spun as an attempt at comedy, it can still be desctructive if overused.
This line of self-conversation and thinking is dangerous because it removes any and all responsibility from yourself and blames everything else but you. It’s always someone else’s fault, or society, or your boss, or your company, or culture, or your skin color. Clearly there are situations where things are not within your control and there’s really not much you can do to avoid a negative outcome. In those situations, there’s still something that can be done in the way of controlling your reaction to things. If nothing else, you can ALWAYS control your reactions. In the other 95% of situations where you have some degree of control, if you really look, you’ll be able to trace back to some action or lack of action on your part that resulted in the outcome that occurred. Don’t believe it? Just take a moment to analyze it.
The way to balance out and combat this destructive line of thinking is to do exactly that. Find something that YOU can do differently. You can’t change other people or their thinking, but you CAN change your own behavior, actions, and reactions. Practice taking responsibility and see how much control you suddenly have over things in your life that you previously swore you were powerless against.
Comparative Suffering
This is particularly common with people who have a very good heart and even better intentions. Comparative suffering is ALWAYS a losing game. This is when someone is discussing real and actual pain or difficulties they’re having, and then they stop and say “But there are so many people starving, dying, and I’m here complaining about [insert pain point here].” Ever heard this one? Ever said this one?
This line of thinking assumes that there’s only a limited amount of sympathy in the world, and that limited supply is reserved for those who have the most dire circumstances. It’s also often confused with “not making excuses,” and can be the opposite end of the spectrum in some ways from the victim mentality. People who do this are afraid of appearing to be “complainers” and often have a fear that people will judge them for being too weak or needy. The fact of the matter is that they haven’t felt validated in their struggles in the past and as a result feel the need to minimize what they’re going through.
One way to combat this is simple acceptance. Saying to yourself “I’m having a rough time with X, and that’s OK. Yes there are many people in the world who have bigger struggles, but there are also many who have smaller struggles. I’m grateful that I don’t have bigger struggles, and it’s OK if I need help with mine.” None of these invalidates or minimizes the others. They just are. Giving yourself some allowance to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or even scared is OK. These are natural human emotions and ignoring them or trying to suppress them will only really make them worse.
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses
This story is more of a habit of creating stories and a story you keep telling yourself about others that excuse their actions, whether wrong or right. You might get an idea about someone in your head that they are a good person or a bad person, and those “colored lenses” begin to shape your reality about that person. This might stem from something you hold in your head about that person, or it might stem from an idea you have in your head about yourself. If the story is about you, it’s often the result of lack of confidence or self-esteem; you don’t think people deserve to be held accountable when it comes to you. You might be fiercely defensive of others, but when it comes to your own interests, you let things slide. Either way the genesis of it is your own story that you’re telling yourself.
One way to combat this is to really work on yourself and your confidence level. Be more comfortable being uncomfortable and holding people accountable for their actions when it comes to you. You train people how to treat you, so if you continuously let people slide when they disrespect or disregard you or your feelings, chances are that’s only going to escalate from there.
Another way is to just switch roles in your head and try to create another story that revolves around accountability. As mentioned before, if you’re guilty of making excuses for others constantly, you tend to hold yourself to a higher standard. Try turning the tables and hold them to your standards and see what happens. See how you might feel if you were the one doing what they did, and more importantly, imagine giving yourself the freedom to feel the way you imagine they might feel when you put pressure on yourself and feel guilty after a perceived slight. Take the following example:
JD asks Turk to borrow $300, promising to repay the debt by the end of the week. Turk, having bills to pay, asks that JD make sure he pays him back no later than the end of the week, and JD agrees. The end of the week comes and goes, and JD doesn’t pay him back. Turk tells himself the story that JD must be busy or might not have the money back yet or any number of other stories to excuse it, and Turk begins to resent JD though he would never say it. Instead of doing this, if Turk put himself in JD’s place, he realizes that he would never let the debt slip like that. He also realizes that, if he did let the debt slip, he would have felt horrible and would imagine that JD would be extremely angry with him. Turk would also likely go the next level in his mind to realize that anger is a completely reasonable and understandable outcome on the part of the person who hasn’t been paid back, and he might realize that it’s alright to hold people accountable for their actions and to stop creating stories for people that lets them off the hook.
Conclusion
Now this is obviously not an exhaustive list of the stories you may be telling yourself, and it’s not meant to be. It’s just meant to get you thinking about the concept of stories and how they shape your reality. The most important takeaway from this is that you have more control than you think about your own circumstances. In the end, it’s within your power to tell yourself stories that will either empower you or make you feel helpless or “less than,” and that is the power to shape your own reality and create possibilities for yourself to live a healthier, happier, more successful and fulfilling life.
If you’re interested in coaching or want to find out more, schedule a consult with Nayan Leadership to find out how we can help you on your leadership journey.
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